How is that when I find the beginning of the brokenness that inflicts my soul, I see YOUR face? How is it that when I finally isolate the lie that has brought so much emptiness and exhaustion to my life, I hear YOUR voice? How is it that when I recognize the shame that has tried to destroy me, I see YOUR fingerprints all over it?
I spent all of my life in the same church and it fucked me up something fierce: Complex-PTSD symptoms, depression, “Pure-O” OCD, anxiety, confusion, rage… It’s like my brain is just busted.
It doesn’t work anymore. It’s as if I had these slots for ideas like God or sin or Truth or The Bible and the crap that I was taught has calcified and hardened and I cannot think about any of those topics outside of that context.
It’s left me a adrift and alone, frozen in my madness. I want to believe that God loves me. I want to believe in some transcendental Truth, a truth that gives me hope and joy, but I can’t anymore.
My belief, such as it was, has died within me.