I’ve always been an intelligent person. Growing up I always noticed the patterns of things, in shapes and forms, and later in ideas and concepts. Though homeschooled, I did well and ended up making a high of 1350 on the SAT, 31 on the ACT and then gained a final GPA of 3.69 earning my Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Science and Engineering at the University of Texas at Arlington. I’ve never not had an agile and competent mind.
my mind always been a source of pride for me
In fact, as might be readily apparent, my mind always been a source of pride for me. I have always lived in my mind, and I, as do many intelligent introverts, prefer the company of my inner demons and angels than the company of similar beings around and external to me.
I’ve relied on my mind in my career and in my hobbies and in my relationships, utilizing it to make friends and succeed and enjoy the small nuances of life.
But then, about 5 years ago, agitated by a very painful experience leaving the church I grew up in, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder reared it’s tenacious head and what was my favorite gift became my special curse. My mind – my friend – became my enemy.
Where once I could listen to the internal dialogue with pleasure, now that dialogue became a flood, a torrent of anxiety-inducing madness. Where once the waters of my mind were fairly tranquil and fair, now I drowned in a shit storm, choked by anxieties and compulsions, depressions and inanities.
Such is the life of someone with OCD. I do not expect to be healed of it.
Now, 5 years removed, two of which have been spent in therapy and on medication, my mind has become my frenemy: neither/both friend nor enemy, that weird uncle that you have to be related to, but which you really don’t want to be seen with. It’s a humbling existence: having to rely on something that might very well decide to betray you at the drop of the proverbial hat. You never know when your day will be roses or thorns (often its both). Clarity-of-mind and the mind-fog have become close bosom-buddies, and both like to fuck with you and your fears.
Such is the life of someone with OCD. I do not expect to be healed of it. In some ways, these days, I don’t know that I want to. I just want to learn how to live with it. To exist with it.
Because maybe that weird uncle is me.
(featured image source)