Soundtrack of a Castaway

Soundtrack of a Castaway – Bring Me to Life

There is such a thing as a Living Death, and it is not just the purview of zombies and monsters.  It is a state created and fashioned in a lack of love and affection.  It is grown over the flaming pits, in a young mind threatened with hell’s eternal face-fuck.  It thrives on fear and anxious trepidation, and it feeds on the hopes and dreams of the damned.

At times and in many ways, pure Death would be preferable.  But to be alive to one’s death…  To have a death that eats at you, that feeds on you…

THAT is unbearable.

It is consciousness to one’s soul-less-ness.

The spirit lives in the heartless tundra, the mind bloats in the desert.

Bid my blood to run, indeed.

Bring Me to Life

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside, bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
I’ve got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

Don’t let me die here
There must be something wrong, bring me to life

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

(featured image source)

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Soundtrack of a Castaway

Soundtrack of a Castaway – Shatter Me

There once was a little boy who was strong and courageous, but there were many around him who were stronger, so he was controlled.  Though he should have been free to be a child and to dream and to grow, instead he was calcified and frozen in a premature adulthood.  An old soul, he wasn’t allowed to be young and he missed much of what is normal and good in childhood.

Then came the pain of separation and of mourning and of loss and all he wanted and all he feared was the shattering.  He loved the darkness but he needed the light.  He needed the light to break him, but he feared that it would destroy him instead.  As he spun in the madness of his mind he ached for the pain and he ran away from it as best he could.  He was of two minds, both pulling him apart.  He sought the balance of that cracking tension.

For he knew that true life, true freedom came not in the glass sphere of dogmatism and fear, but in the open air, in the risk of flight, in the flood of material existence.

Shatter me, or else I’ll die.

“Shatter Me”
(feat. Lzzy Hale)

[Verse 1 – Lzzy Hale:]
I pirouette in the dark
I see the stars through a mirror
Tired mechanical heart
Beats ’til the song disappears

[Chorus:]
Somebody shine a light
I’m frozen by the fear in me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me
So cut me from the line
Dizzy, spinning endlessly
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me

[Violin Drop]

Shatter me!
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me

[Verse 2:]
If only the clockwork could speak
I wouldn’t be so alone
We’d burn every magnet and spring
And spiral into the unknown

[Chorus]

[Violin Drop]

[Bridge:]
If I break the glass then I’ll have to fly
There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive
I’m scared of change and the days stay the same
The world is spinning but only in gray
If I break the glass then I’ll have to fly
There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive
I’m scared of change and the days stay the same
The world is spinning but only in gray
(Only…)

[Chorus]

[Violin Drop:]
Me…!
Shatter me!
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me!

(featured image source)

Soundtrack of a Castaway

Soundtrack of a Castaway – Let It Go

There’s an ironic, bittersweet sadness to “Let it Go”, given its message of freedom, independence and survival in the face of emotional abuse and isolation. Ever since listening to the Frozen soundtrack the first time (of many, considering we have 3 young children who love the film and music!) I was struck by the line in the Demi Levato version (consistent with the intent of the original song, I think) where she sings

Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe. I know I left a life behind but I’m too relieved to grieve.

The irony lies in the fact that it seems to be in the leaving where the grieving really begins. As wonderful as it was that Elsa found her freedom and independence, it came with a price: she became the Snow Queen. As her hurt and pain raged in the throes of her power, she inadvertently caused the near-death of her dear sister Anna, who became the true hero of the story by loving Elsa in spite of it all. It wasn’t the kiss of a handsome prince that saved the sisters; it was their love for each other.

But Frozen is still a Disney movie. Life doesn’t always work out so neatly. A real shitty aspect of this life is that hurt tends to beget hurt. Curses are passed along generational lines through long-lasting, habitual hurt and each subsequent generation pays a steeper price.  The past might indeed be in the past, but for many of us, it continues to haunt our present. In many ways, the idea that pain makes you stronger is horseshit. As Conan reminded the students of Dartmouth, “it almost kills you”. And for some, it does.

“Let It Go”

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go
When I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
(featured image source)

Continue reading “Soundtrack of a Castaway – Let It Go”

Soundtrack of a Castaway

Soundtrack of a Castaway – Introduction

Music is the language of divinity. It’s the poetry of eternity. It communicates on levels that go beyond the conscious; swirling in eddies and currents complex and beautiful.

As I’ve dealt with the depression and anxiety that flows from being raised in and leaving an abusive church, music has been a major source of comfort and challenge for me. It has given words to what I intuit and feel down deep. It’s helped me see that there is a greater, wider realm beyond the shit world that those assholes wanted to fashion for me.

While leaving a spiritually abusive group is preferable to staying within it, its hard to leave an environment that you’ve grown up in, especially if that’s all you’ve ever known.  The incidents and incidentals that can send you into downward spirals of darkness and madness are fairly limitless and random.  It’s disconcerting to have gone to church every Sunday for 30 years, only to find that church is the last place where you want to be.  It’s hard identifying as a Christian all your life, only to find that much of what passes as Christianity is repugnant to you.  While there is an excitement in finding your own way, its also lonely and terrifying.

Christians and Christianity will preach the Good News of the Gospel, but it all rings hollow when all you can see is a god of “holy fucking wrath“, even when you desperately want a God of love.  The message of free grace becomes a source of distrust and cynicism when the old bait-and-switch is pulled.  Turns out there is a price to pay after-all.

Over the next few weeks I will be posting a series of 18 songs that I feel communicate the ups and downs of this religious castaway.  It is by no means a complete expression of everything that I’ve experienced or felt and believed, but perhaps it can help any fellow castaways who read it.

Soundtrack of a Castaway:

Let It Go
Shatter Me
Bring Me to Life
Beautiful Pain
Take Me To Church
Ironwing
If I Had a Heart
Demons
Lost in Paradise
Doubting Thomas
The Silence of God
Che Valiers De Sangreal
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
The Love of God
Land of the Living
The Last Goodbye
Into the West
Angel with a Shotgun

(featured image source)